Nail on the Head

Video Sneak Peak from Teen Mom 2:
http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/577803/ep-11-sneak-peek.jhtml#id=1648903


Oh how I can relate to this so much, not in the instance that I've lost  Kaison's father, but on the level that my parents (and family & friends) do not understand my relationship with son's father. All they keep in their mind about him are the bad things that have been brought up about him (by me) and that is it. I'm happy to have had loads of support through the hard times, but I wish it didn't disappear during the good times. It may not seem like a good time to them, but it is a good time to me, and that is what should matter.


*reworded to how it relates to me
Farrah's Mom: "I understand the bad things [he] did to her, so as a mother, its hard for me to have the compassion for that person when they've done such an injustice to my daughter."

Counselor: "Yes, but at the same time the compassion isn't for [him] its for [your daughter]..."

Bad Day

Its only 8AM and a number of events have already happened that would justify today to be a bad day for me. I will admit, I haven't had a bad day for quite some time now...
Aside from the every day crappy drivers I have to battle every morning during my commute... first incident: my money.

I know I have been needing to badly budget for quite some time now, and that I really cannot spend the way my parents do, because we definitely do not have the same income - but it honestly is hard to break away from those habits. I see my parents want something, or I want something - and they get it without hesitation... that's pretty much how my spending habit has been. I realize now, after 2 incidents that I cannot spend without thinking - and that I have to balance my account and now: BUDGET.

Moving on from the money, just small things have occurred this morning, that I probably wouldn't even notice any other morning, but today it feels like things are just working against me. I put my lunch in the fridge, and when I go to close the fridge, it sounds like an entire shelf just fell and everything on that shelf went rolling off. Well, when I reopened the fridge, sure enough, the inside shelf fell off (how the hell does that happen?) and everything got knocked over and out of it. It was a quick fix, but I thought to myself, "What the hell, what are the odds?"

Then, I get to my desk and I go to put a paper in a box that I've been saving so I can return something in its orignal box - and our cleaning crew threw it away. Again, WTH... what are the odds? Although, I stopped for a second and realized I can't get mad at them, they were only doing their job - I mean I did put the box right beside the trash can... but at the same time, it wasn't in the trash can so part of me feels like using that as an explanation as to why they shouldn't have thrown the box that I really did need away. Then again, that won't bring my box back - and its just a box. We have plenty more in our warehouse... but still... ;)

I tried telling myself as I was walking up the stairs to my office, that these occurrences do not necessarily mean I need to stamp today as a bad day just yet... I try not to think that the world is against me on purpose - and that sometimes: Sh*t happens... and today it just so happens to be happening to me. Lets just see if I can make it to lunch ok!

Update! ... Kinda, haha...

What's new, what's new?

Well.. I've slowed down dramatically with my working out, after 10 days of doing the same workout routine on a DVD it gets a tad boring - I'm thinking I might purchase a new one to do so I can switch back and forth when I'm starting to get bored with one!

I really want to be back in shape, with a flat(ter) tummy by the time Kaison turns 1. It'd be great if I could do that before he's 1! I want to be able to wear my clothes with confidence! And not have to pic the shirts that are more loose around the midsection. I feel so limited when I'm shopping, and even when I'm picking out clothes in the morning. Its crazy how for granted I took having a flat tummy :( I'm sure I had some sort of other insecurity when I did have a nice, flat stomach... I know in HS it was about my tata's! Haha... they were below par for  me ;) ...

But that's the female sex for ya... always finding some sort of flaw within yourself. I think if I could just get rid of this muffin top - I'll very happy :) I know its possible though, I just need to stay on top of my work out! It really does feel good when I do work out, but so does resting after being at work all day then coming home to chase a speed crawling 9 month old around!

I can't believe he's going to be 1 in three months! I'm already starting to plan his 1st birthday party, but I have no idea which way to go... do I rent out a room at a children's activity center or do I have small, low-key get together at my apartment? Do I go all out on the cake? Or make my own? It is his FIRST BIRTHDAY, but then again.. he won't remember it... what to do!

Same goes with his Halloween outfit! I found the most adorable tiger outfit online for $30+ but I wasn't sure if I should spend that much on an outfit he'll only wear once, and probably want to take off in less than an hour anyway? I probably should choose the cheaper routes considering money isn't falling off the trees for me. Either way, we will make it special for my Kaison!

New, new, new

Oh how things have changed!

I was going back reading my pasts posts.. well, detox diet is non-existant! I will say I have started to work out... although sad to say that is steadily declining. I was doing it every night, then I started to skip a few nights... and now I have only done it once this week. That's pretty sad too - the workout I'm doing is off Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, and its only 27 minutes long! The only time I get to work out is at night after Kaison goes to bed - and you better believe a lot of nights I am pooped! I really should get back my motivation to keep up with the DVD - I've done 10 days of it all together! I'm sure with skipping days I'm not gonna see the results I would see if I did it 30 days straight :(

What else is new? I know you'd like to hear something juicy, and I do have something juicy to reveal - but I'm not quite ready for that to be unleashed ;)

On another note, I've actually started watching Jersey Shore! Can you believe.. I totally thought the show was lame, and was upset every time it came on because I wouldn't watch it... but one day I decided to watch and see what all the hype was about - and now I know! Chuck full of drama that is easy to get sucked into! Just what I need - because I don't have that in my life... which is just fine with me - better its on TV than in my face.

What's meant to be will always be...

True or false?! I claim true...

My family and close friends will always want whats best for me...  as do I. Although, the book I've been reading has been giving me a lot of insight towards relationships. One of the chapters speaks on family and friends in your relationships. Your family will always wish to choose the person they feel is best for you, someone they think you will be happy with, someone who they believe will take good care of you. But at the end of the day, it's you who has to find someone for yourself because you are the one who will be spending time with this person on a day to day basis.

The book spoke on involving friends in your relationship issues and being careful to not be one sided in your stories - which I am guilty of doing. This is more than likely a result as to why Kaison's father has the reputation in my family and friends' eyes that he does. It takes two... and there are always two sides to every story. Although my best friend once told me there are actually three: yours, his and the truth. That sounds just about right if you ask me...

I've just been doing a lot of personal activities.. I've been doing a workout video every night, reading, and praying. I feel all three have had a very positive impact on my life. I do not go to church and I was never a super religious person, but I do believe God is doing his work for me as I have learned to just let go and let things happen as he lets them. I am finding myself in a very content and happy spot at this point in my life... and that's an amazing thing to be able to say :)

Medicine & Praying

Well, I finally went to the doctor this morning!
I was given a precription for an antibiotic and a steroid and told to also buy some Mucinex DM... So far everything seems to be doing its job. I still cough, but not near as many times as I was before all of these medications entered my system...

On another note, I was about to rant about my son's father... but before I did, I actually had a little talk and prayed to God about a few things and I can honestly say I feel better. I no longer feel the need to come on here and vent about him like I was planning on doing it. Weird huh?

But its a good feeling not to feel the same anger I was feeling when I first felt like blogging about it. I'm just going to let it go, let it be because I know bringing it up here will only keep it lingering around longer than it needs to be. I am just going to say that I am happy that it is just me & my son and I love him to death!!

WTF

Guess I got too happy too soon... or someone just doesn't want me to be happy.


Friday morning I was planning on calling into work to let them know I was going to come in late so I could go to the doctor for my cough.. well low & behold my cough was pretty much gone... so I think to myself... why go to the doctor for a cough that is no longer there?! But... this weekend it proved to be nothing but a lie... and as I sit here at my desk hacking I decided for sure I am going to the doctor tomorrow morning...

I've had so many cough drops in the past week my tongue is raw, it sucks...

Tweet Tweet!

"The pain of going thru change is better than the pain of putting up with a negative situation and staying stuck." - a tweet from The Daily Love


I absolutely love that.. it explains my situation on point! 


On a side note: I guess God read my blog yesterday because today I have very minimal coughs, close to none! So they seem to be clearing up, thank goodness and thank you God! I was so miserable with them... I was planning on going to the doctor today for them until I realized I was hardly coughing today... so yay :)

Can't Take It ANYMORE!!

How much more crap am I going to have to go through before things start "looking up" for me? And I'm talking about my health. I say about 2 weeks ago I noticed I started having really bad headaches... daily. Along the way I've had a few people suggest taking allergy medication at night and try to get a good night's rest... well I finally bought some, and did... and the headaches started to subside.. that was relief.

Then, last week I noticed the side of my mouth was bothering me where I had bitten it one night while eating... by the weekend there were not one, but two canker sores on the left side of my mouth.. one on top of the other. One was bigger than the other.. and they were in the worst spot ever. My tooth constantly hit it when I talked, moved my mouth, or even smiled. So needless to say I didn't say much or give out too many smiles that weekend. The severe pain followed me to this week and at work. I did invest in Anbesol, but all that crap did was numb me for what felt like a half hour! Then it was back to the unbearable pain.. I'm surprised I haven't lost weight because I haven't been eating because it hurts to. I will admit the pain has significantly gone down compared to when they first appeared, but it still is painful to eat. As long as I don't move my mouth much I'm fine... I stopped using the Anbesol. It still hurts like a b*tch in the mornings when I brush my teeth though.. this might sound disgusting, but I haven't brushed the lower left half of my mouth since the sores have been there because it hurts like f*cking hell. And yes I'm cursing because it hurts that damn bad.

But no, it can't end for me there.. not with the healing canker sores. Since last week, I have acquired a small, yet consistent hard cough. It has been present ever since. I purchased Vicks Dry Cough and that crap seems to stop my coughing for a half hour as well, but the directions say to take every 6-8 hours.. How the hell do they figure this medicine is going to stop my cough for 6-8 hours?? I'm just so upset because I take the medicine that only lasts for about a half hour and then I'm just stuck having to deal with the cough for another 5.5 hours since I cannot take more. A good friend who works at a pharmacy suggested Delsym, but that crap is $10 a bottle, but I might be giving in today and buying some because I literally feel like with each cough I'm just going to die. And it makes my head hurt every time I do cough. It sucks because its just a hard, dry cough.. no phlegm or anything comes up.. its just a damn cough that won't go away. Its ruining my life.

I know I shouldn't be complaining because I have soo much to be thankful for.. and if a cough is the biggest complaint that I have to deal with then I should shut up. But its seriously feel like one event after the other; headaches, canker sores, chronic cough... when will my health go back to normal??? I don't feel like myself... I'm not able to interact with my son like I usually can because I'm always coughing.. I also try to stay away because he swings his arms and many times he's swung and hit me in the face right where my canker sores are.. hurt like hell. I know only good can come from bad, but shit, when is my good going to start coming??

No more expectations

I'm losing all "expectations" I had for him... I should never have had any to begin with.
I'm losing all contact with him... I have made the decision to not contact him, although if he contacts me that is fine (but I'm not gonna hold my breath on that happening)...

You cannot get upset at someone who gets upset at you because you won't handle your part of responsibility... every time it gets to his week... all hell breaks lose.

A lot of people say I shouldn't cut ties with him... but all these people who tell me this do not have to deal with the stress I deal with.. wondering will he pick up his son? Will he actually pay daycare? Will he even contact me back regarding his child? I am so tired of the stress... and the only way I can eliminate this unnecessary stress that has been dragging me down is by eliminating the cause.... him.

I'm not gonna listen to anyone else anymore on the matter of "keeping his father in his life" - I did my part and my son deserves better than that.

This was enlightening to read...

http://hubpages.com/hub/What-you-should-know-about-Georgia-paternity-and-family-law

"For starters, establishing paternity through voluntary acknowledgement or even a DNA test in Georgia does not grant a biological father any rights, visitation or custody....

causes for termination of parental rights - neglect, physical/sexual abuse, drug or alcohol related incapacity, best interest of the child, failure to pay child support, inadequate effort to maintain contact, record of abuse/molestation of another child, record of neglect of another child, found guilty in the death of another child .....


child born out of wedlock - A child who is born to parents who were never married and have no intention to marry. By default, mothers gain exclusive rights to children born out of wedlock and thereby have sole custody and sole power of attorney to make all parenting decisions for the child....."

Detox Diet

I would just like to state that today, I am going to start a detox diet.

What?! A diet you say? Yea, it feels weird saying it myself too, but it really consists of me drinking lots of water (which is something I should be doing already)... along with eating fresh fruits and vegetables (another thing I should be doing) and exercise!

I've never been one to exercise to be honest, so I'm not sure how much of that will actually be done, if any at all - but I know I can definitely do the water and fruits & vegetables! I just need to stock my apartment up with them, that's all... easy said, easy done, right?

I just really feel like my body needs this. I've been feeling sluggish, lazy, and I just started getting headaches daily... it sucks. So I'm really hoping to keep up with this, because I'm tired of feeling the way I feel now. Time to start taking care of my body!

How Do I Be "Okay"?

Looking at pictures of families having fun with their babies on vacations, or just out and about anywhere saddens  me right now...

It saddens because my baby doesn't have that right now. How do I learn to be okay with the fact my baby does not get to share in that sort of experience right now (and who knows how long until he can... if I find someone else to be with - in the distant future)? How do I be okay with the fact that holidays will be spent separately for my baby, and that he has to go back and forth every week from mommy's house to daddy's house, and then back to mommy's? I just don't know how to be okay with all of this.

But the bottom of the line is, mommy & daddy's relationship just doesn't work out... it didn't before, and it won't in the future. I held on hope that maybe we can repair what we had, and join back together to be a complete, happy family.. but that is just a fantasy, not reality. I've woken up from that. Now its just a long process of accepting that and moving on...

Bad Dream

I hate having bad dreams.. I hate waking up from bad dreams... I hate being alone when I wake up from a bad dream...

Last night's dream was pretty weird. I can't remember how it started off.. but somewhere into it I was involved in an event that happened a long time ago. Some boat was sinking, but it was a smaller boat, not the Titanic. We were in a huge pool, so that was odd, but saving ourselves from a sinking boat was made easy. Then I remember going to a huge house with all the people on the boat - no familiar faces at all were around me. Then I remember someone said that we have no time because "the British were coming! the British were coming"... and the next thing I knew a group of us peeked through the blinds in a window and saw an entire troop of a British army right in front of the window. I remember a woman saw us peek through and looked in and pointed at us... and I remember hitting the window back. Then we ran...

Someone first tried hiding in an attic, but for some reason that didn't work. Then I remember getting on top of a refrigerator... and trying to use all the stuff on top of there to hide me. At one point it worked... then someone came in and said to use a blanket so I did. The British never came in the house and got any of us... but some mafia gang did. They were in the house and they slammed someone's face against the wall and gave them a huge knot on their head, but no blood.

I tried covering myself with the blanket while I was on top of the fridge, but as soon as they walked in I had everything covered except my head. One of the mafia guys walked over to me and picked up the blanket  a little and put it back down. From that point I didn't move and just tried pretending like I wasn't trying to hide from them. I kept hoping my "cuteness" would save me.. and I guess it did because the gang never messed with me, or anyone else for the rest of my dream.

Then somewhere further along in my dream I ended up in a house. I was with my mom and there were "vampire-like" people in there.. doing harm to people. I told my mom to run with me to escape them, and to not go to any familiar house that they could connect to us. I told her "Run to Aunt Susan's!" So we did, and we escaped them... but then I somehow found myself back in the same house and spending the rest of my dream protecting Kaison.. and another baby. Apparently I had twins or something in my dream. But I spent the rest of my dream so scared that the vampires would try harming him.. I was scared to death. More scared than when "the British were coming" and the mafia gang and found me. This dream woke me up at 3AM. I stayed up until 430AM.. needless to say I'm sleepy.

Being the person that I am.. I googled what the meaning of being chased in my dream might mean. All the results I came across stated that I am running away from something, not necessarily a person... possibly a feeling. After sitting on it for quite some time, I think I have an understanding of what my dream meant... and what I was running away from, and why I was protecting my son...and even why my mom was the person to escape with me. Regardless, it still sucks to have a bad dream...

Time flies... Or does it?

It's only been a little over a month since I've moved out and have been single.. But why does it feel like it's been so much longer?

I've been doing good.. I'm trying to take on something I've never taken in before... And that's freelance jobs for graphic design. Might as well put whatever skill I gained during my 4 years at AIA to use. I have a potential client.. And I say potential because I don't believe I "have" them until I do something for them and get PAID for it. I sure hope they take me on! I could definitely use the extra money.

As for school.. You'd think I'd be done after 4 years of attending but I'm not.. Still a few more classes to go. And then I just transferred to the Art Institute of Pittsburgh's online division. I won't be able to start until August but that's fine with me! I'm so tired of school but I just keep holding on so I can at least get my degree.

It's amazing how much has changed in a month.. From one extreme to the next. I will say it is nothing new though but still amazes how "fast" it's changed even though not much time really has not passed. I'm nervous about what will happen next. Whatever it is, I'm doing what's best for me.. And my son.

An Idea Brewing...

http://www.joinred.com/aboutred

I'm sure you've seen them before, the (RED) products... be it iPhones, iPods, t-shirts, lap tops, shoes... anything! Its an amazing concept with an even more amazing cause.

Speak Up and Be the Voice

My previous entries have been nothing about the drama going on with my baby's father... but today I want to write about something bigger, and more important than the drama going on in my life...

At the beginning of the week while I was doing a Google search for the MTV show Teen Mom, another result came up that caught my eye. It read: "Police: Teen Mom Put Newborn in Trashbag - Las Vegas News Story". I, of course, clicked on the link to read more about this story.

Then for some odd reason, I decided to watch the news report video they had of it. By clicking the link to this video, it forever changed me. It wasn't the video of the teen mom that got to me, it was of another video that happened to be underneath it. This video broke my heart to pieces and opened my eyes. No child, or even adult person, deserves that sort of treatment. I'm not sure if I'm more aware and feel effected about this sort of abuse because I am a mother now, but I feel moved to try to make more people aware of it.

I want to strictly target abuse towards infants, the ones who cannot speak for themselves. It just breaks my heart that something so precious and innocent would ever have to feel any pain inflicted by the hands of another human being. I've started a Google search on infant abuse, and not much comes up, not even a site created specially for it. I think its because its combined in with the category with child abuse, which is it just that. I just feel abuse towards infant needs a voice of its own.

I know there are millions of cases of deaths of infants due to abuse, but I've only been exposed to a small handful, and so far that's been enough to move me to further educate myself and hopefully get to a point where I can educate others. So far, this article was the only thing I've read that has called out infant abuse, although it mostly speaks about the abuse from shaken baby syndrome, the most common form of abuse towards infants. I want to expose the other forms of abuse that exist.

This is a big project for me to organize and take on, but it is something I feel strongly passionate about doing. Babies need a voice, and I want to create one for them.

Baby Ina Jane McElheny & Brianna Mariah Lopez - both of your stories have inspired me. Neither baby deserved to die from abuse, but both of them did because no one spoke up for them.. no one was their voice. It saddens me that their lives were shortened so severely, but through their stories they are inspiring me to hopefully create a voice and save the ones who still have a chance.

Delete..

UN-DELETE!
Blog undeleted :)

Headstrong Mom

I have to be a headstrong mom now... I have to do what I have to do for my son.
I am now a single mother. I will not lie... the adjustment was a little hard at first, but in all honesty I did a lot of the feeding, bathing and bedtimes on my own... so the past few days have just been figuring out a new groove to get into.


When we first separated, I told him I didn't want us to be ugly towards each other, but multiple times since our split he's shown his bitterness towards the situation. I asked him about seeing his son, he of course says he's going to see his son, but also adds "I'm not going to be coming over to your place everyday..." ... I never even asked for anything of that sort. All I asked if he would see his son, on a regular, consistent basis.

A day or two later after our split, we some how get into an argument... within the argument he tells me it is my fault we broke up.. he claims he doesn't care that I moved out or that we aren't together... but I know he means nothing of the sort, this is just more bitterness coming out. Then he has the nerve to ask me the day after for help on his cable bill... being the nice person that I am, I said sure.

But June 22, he hit an all time low blow, and went somewhere I never thought he would go. That day, I decided to finally take off my relationship status of the infamous Facebook... I guess when he saw I did this, it hit a nerve, and he deleted me. Later I discover that he has also decided to put a lovely story about me on his page for his all friends to see... and comment on. I have no idea what the comments said, and truthfully I know I am better off not knowing.

"Why is it that some females don't realize it when they have something good, and they rather damage it with dumb ish??? I mean, is a man not good when he comes home everyday, takes care of his son, cooks every night cause you can't, has his own money?? But, you rather get mad cause he watches a movie [at] home, without you cause you are out of town...?"

I knew to not even waste my time, energy or brain power to try to come back at that... I simply told him that was the lowest he's ever gone, and he's unbelievable. Of course he had no reply when I told him that. The following day I have to see him because it was his day to pick up his son from daycare. He of course doesn't forget to ask me "Do you have that $55 for the cable bill?"

Without a word I get up to get it from my car, but on my way out he feels the need to add "Its only fair..." I just gave him the most evil look ever, a look of disbelief that he even had the nerve to say that... I told him "Don't tell me that"... and walked out. When I came back in, I reminded him it was his week to pay daycare... then he has the audacity to say "I might not have it"... I immediately know what that means, because I've been there three times before with him on this. Three times before he did not have the money, and I covered him. He honestly cannot think this would happen again, especially after publicly disrespecting me, and allowing others to do so as well...

That night I told him I cannot cover his week, he informs me he doesn't have it. I told him I don't either... then as usual... he likes to bring up stuff about me and states how I am paying X amount in rent now and when I was paying a lower amount I claimed I still didn't have it (which is complete BS, since I obviously paid for his week)... but I just tell him to stop worrying about my business and just figure out how to pay his week of daycare. He replies with "Anyway... ok"... all I can do is hope that he does follow through and man up and pay it.